You Know You Are a #perfectmommy When


Ten Tips for Bridesmaids

I am a wedding whore. A wedding junkie.

I have been IN 12 weddings over the past years, and to more weddings than I can count. Then my own wedding a few years ago. I’ve become a wedding expert. I’m not quite sure how this happened. I was never the girl that always wanted to be the bride. I never had visions of myself all dressed in white. So I’m not even that girl. It was always about my career and everything else-I always knew I would get married someday-but unlike my friend Amy-I did not carry around a folder entitled “wedding day ideas” since the age of 16. I did come home in 3rd grade and announce to my feminist CEO mother that I wanted to grow up and be a bus driver..or a model..but I did not say professional bridesmaid. So this evolution into the girl who can bustle the shit out of any wedding train was a sort of magical mutation...


Toxic Beauty

It is one of those rare gorgeous L.A. days. When the rain has washed away all the smog and soot. The sky is bright and blue and there is a slight breeze. Like you want to dance and scream and you feel fresh and revitalized and slightly goofy jump out of your skin hootie hoo crazy...


Joan Didion is My Bitch

She’s my bitch.
She’s my crazy petite sunglass wearing brilliant but wouldn’t depend on her to pay the gas bill on time trembling ball of brilliance.

But petite aside-we’re from similar stock. I’ll never be “petite and trembling”..especially not now that after years of caffeine/booze tiny portions and workouts my body is saying a big “fuck you I’m pregnant and all I want are carbs and you were made to be plowing the fields” to me. So I’m not petite. But my bitch Joan is from Sacramento. I’m from Sacramento. (finger-eye-finger) Do you see?...


Fully Engaged

I am supposed to get up at 7am. I have this grand plan to get up at 7am, vacuum the whole house, go get my car washed and go to the tanning booth place to find out how and when I need to start tanning to have a nice little bit of color for my wedding in three weeks, and then get to work in the valley by 8:30am in the morning....